Angst, Brooding, and Cries
by Dazed Dreamer
Summary: LJ 30Angsts.[HiyoGaku] Hiyoshi angsts. Gakuto broods. Their hearts cry inside. Shot 6: I laughed, and I rejected him. Character death. Shot 7: You know that thing called replacement?
1. 1 Search for Me

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Prince of Tennis nor any of its characters. 

**Author's Notes:** Written for the LJ 30Angsts community. Claimed the HiyoGaku pairing, coz I wanted to write more of them. And I wanted to write some angst, too. Don't expect much happy endings. XP

Enjoy the first shot!

**Warnings:** Angst, of course. And some slight bad language. And angst. X(

**Title:** Search for Me  
**Theme:** 9. Hide and Seek  
**Summary:** A one-sided game of hide and seek isn't fun. Gakuto knows.

* * *

**8.00 AM**

Gakuto felt like he was playing a game of hide and seek.

He hid, in a stall in the boys' bathroom at school, silent and waiting, for that one particular person who would find him.

But it was a one-sided game.

Because that one particular person wasn't searching for him.

**11.30 AM**

Gakuto wondered why he even bothered.

Why was he still hiding here, really? That one particular person wouldn't search for him. Ever. Gakuto should've known better than to try to make that one particular person worried, because it wouldn't work. He wouldn't ever be worried about him. Even if Gakuto were starving to death in the stall.

But Gakuto didn't make a move to leave.

**2.45 PM**

Gakuto was close to giving up.

It was about an hour more till tennis practice and if he didn't show up, Atobe was sure to assign him extra laps the next day.

But still Gakuto hid.

He was hanging on to that little shred of hope. Hope that that one particular person would find him. Never mind that it was by chance, he didn't care.

Gakuto just wanted to be found.

**3.30 PM**

Gakuto was trying not to cry.

Was he really that unimportant? Was he that insignificant that nobody would come searching for him? He must be, if even _Ohtori_ wasn't looking for him.

Gakuto hugged his legs as he shivered because of the cold tiled floor.

**5.00 PM**

Gakuto was getting desperate.

The school must've been empty by now, judging from the stillness. It was scary.

But Gakuto still hid, because he was still clinging on to that strand of hope. The strand of hope that was about to break.

**8.00 PM**

Gakuto flicked open his pocketknife.

He had realized that all this could be ended here. Ended with one quick stab, or one swift calculated slash.

And he wouldn't be burdened anymore. He wouldn't be hiding here, in this creepy stall, trying to wait for that one particular person who wouldn't come. Just one quick stab…

But he couldn't. He wouldn't.

Gakuto flicked his pocketknife close.

**11.30 PM**

Gakuto was still hiding.

He didn't know whom he was hiding from now. He didn't know why he was hiding. And he didn't know when he had started hiding.

But he knew he was angry.

He was angry, because that one particular person wasn't searching for him. And the sliver of hope that he had held dissipated.

Gakuto punched the wall.

**12.00 PM**

Gakuto ran.

He ran away from the school, at the dead of the night, with only the chirping of the crickets around him.

He wasn't sure where he was going. But he was damn exhilarated now, because he had left a little message at that bathroom stall.

_Hiyoshi, learn how to play hide and seek. Bastard. -MG_

* * *

**_END A.N.G.S.T._**


	2. 2 Trust Worthy

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Prince of Tennis nor any of its characters.

**Author's Notes:** Written for the LJ 30Angsts community. Claimed the HiyoGaku pairing, coz I wanted to write more of them. And I wanted to write some angst, too. Don't expect much happy endings. XP

Enjoy the second shot!

**Warnings:** Angst, of course. X(

**Title:** Trust-worthy  
**Theme:** 1. Broken  
**Summary:** Hiyoshi thinks of Mukahi and sound systems.

* * *

"_I promise I won't tell."_

Mukahi-san,

I don't think you've realized, but you're not exactly trust-worthy.

Talking to you is like talking to a microphone hooked to the loudest and biggest loudspeakers. Everyone can hear the voice transmitted through the speakers. Everyone knows the secrets.

I thought I could change you. I thought I could unhook those speakers, get rid of the microphone, and replace them with a well-soundproofed room.

But I couldn't.

Instead, I think the mic was replaced by a bigger, even better mic, and the loudspeakers turned up full volume. And the secrets were announced.

_My_ secrets.

I thought we had _something_. I thought that what we had could at least exempt me from your large sound system. I thought that I could spill out my secrets to you, and you would turn off the microphone and keep my secrets.

_"His parents divorced because his dad was cheating on five girls, all at once! He has like, half-siblings everywhere. It's true! He told me so himself."_

But maybe it was just me _wishing_ that we had something. Me wishing that I were someone special to you and that you would never hurt me. Me wishing that you loved me.

Those were stupid wishes.

I'm realizing now, that your sound system would never short out. It would keep on growing, and keep getting 'better'. And I can't really live with that.

"_We're doubles partners now, right? You can trust me, Hiyoshi."_

You were never trust-worthy.

But, somehow, I still love you.

* * *

**_END A.N.G.S.T._**


	3. 3 Allergic

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Prince of Tennis now any of its characters,

**Author's Notes:** Written for the LJ 30Angsts community. Claimed the HiyoGaku pairing, coz I wanted to write more of them. And I wanted to write some angst, too. Don't expect much happy endings. XP

It's a bit drabble-ish. But I'm happy with it. I got the idea from an avatar. Thanks to all who reviewed! X)

Enjoy the third shot!

**Warnings:** Bad language at the end. Angst, of course. X(

**Title:** Allergic  
**Theme:** 30. Seeing you and the other  
**Summary:** He sounded so sincere, I'd almost believed it.

* * *

When he came up to me and requested to talk, I couldn't help it. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered all over again and my heartbeat resounded in my ears. 

"I love you," he said. He sounded so sincere that I'd almost believed it.

But if he really loved me, why did I see him kissing that girl with the skimpy outfit last night? If he really loved me, why was he apologizing now instead of chasing me back when I ran away? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have hurt me. But he did.

I sneezed on purpose. His blue eyes, those beautiful blue eyes blinked in confusion.

"Sorry, Mukahi. I'm allergic to bullshit."

* * *

**_END A.N.G.S.T._**


	4. 4 Five Years

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Prince of Tennis nor any of its characters.

**Author's Notes:** Written for the LJ 30Angsts community. Claimed the HiyoGaku pairing, coz I wanted to write more of them. And I wanted to write some angst, too. Don't expect much happy endings. XP

Another drabble. Because I need to calm down my test anxiety. Why am I here still writing anyway?? I should be studying, but I can't. Coz in less than 2 hours, I shall be writing that test. I shouldn't really be nervous anyway. Well, maybe I should. Sigh.

Enjoy the fourth shot, anyway. :)

**Warnings:** Not THAT angsty. :)

**Title: **Five Years  
**Theme: **19. Always  
**Summary:** I was over him, right?

* * *

Five years. 

You'd have thought I was over him by now. _I _thought I was. Long distance relationships didn't work for me, because I had to trust him, and somehow, I just couldn't. And since I couldn't trust him, I thought I didn't love him.

But then there he is. Red hair brightening in the sun. Same grin on his face. Blue eyes shining with recognition.

"Hiyoshi! How are you?"

There he was standing there, and I just couldn't breathe.

Five years.

I don't think I'm over him yet.


	5. 5 Running

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Prince of Tennis nor any of its characters.

**Author's Notes:** Written for the LJ 30Angsts community. Claimed the HiyoGaku pairing, coz I wanted to write more of them. And I wanted to write some angst, too. Don't expect much happy endings. XP

I'm writing some angst because...well, I dunno, I'm not really depressed or anything. I just wanted to update this! X) Also, I wrote this one on my laptop. Yeaa! MY laptop, a present from my parents coz I got great grades. XD Yeah-huh.

Enjoy the fifth shot!

**Warnings**: Angst, of course. X( And a pretty open-ish ending.

**Title: **Running  
**Theme: 2.** For when you die, I'll be there for you.  
**Summary:** I'm running towards him.

* * *

The wind rushes through my face, cold and harsh, flipping my red hair back. I'm running, running against it, running like my life depended on it. 

But it wasn't _my_ life that depended on this. It was his.

Now that I think about it, it was a stupid little arguement really. I was being my normal whiny self, complaining about one stupid little mistake during the pervious match. My whines annoyed him, they always did. But I couldn't stop, I wanted him to pay attention to me. I wanted him to talk to me and acknowledge me.

Not in this way though. Not as enemies.

So now I'm running. Running towards the hospital, where he must be laying there, gasping in pain. I'm running towards him.

I was still angry at him. Angry that he wouldn't back me up. Angry that we lost. I had told him I hated him.

But, see, I didn't.

Because when I think about it, when I think about _him_, I realize something. When I think about his rare smiles, and the way he makes me laugh with his favorite phrase 'Gekokujou', my heart starts beating. When I think about him, I realize:

I cared about him more than I thought I did.

And now all I can do is run.

Because if I don't, I don't think I can live with myself. If I don't run, the last thing he'll remember about me was that I hated him. If I don't run, I'd never get the chance to say:

_Hiyoshi, I love you._

* * *

**_END A.N.G.S.T._**


	6. 6 Rejection

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Prince of Tennis nor any of its characters.

**Author's Notes:** Written for the LJ 30Angsts community. Claimed the HiyoGaku pairing, coz I wanted to write more of them. And I wanted to write some angst, too. Don't expect much happy endings. XP

I'm on a writing spree coz I'm bored and I haven't anything better to do. :)

Enjoy the sixth shot!

**Warnings**: Angst, of course. X( Character death, too. cries

**Title:** Rejection  
**Theme: **12. Electric Shock  
**Summary:** I laughed, and I rejected him.

* * *

Rejection. 

Who knew such a small thing could cause such a big thing? Who knew that because of rejection, one would take out his life?

Who knew I would be doing the rejecting?

I didn't know. I didn't know he was serious. Come to think of it though, he was always serious, that Hiyoshi. Never heard him crack a joke in his life.

But at that time, I just didn't know. I didn't know that when he told me he loved me, as in knelt-down-on-his-knees-in-front-of-everyone-loved me, he wasn't joking. It wasn't a prank. It was _real, _he had gathered up all his courage for that one act, and what had I done?

I laughed.

Not a small chuckle, but a full-blown-out-hysterical laugh. I just really couldn't believe that Hiyoshi, the stoic, 'gekokujou'-ing Hiyoshi, would get down on his knees in front of me and talk about how my red hair shined in the sun and how my blue eyes would make him go weak on the knees; how he was in love with me.

I still remember how I'd let him down. After calming myself down, he was still on his knees, looking at me with earnest eyes.

"Hiyoshi, you're not serious, are you? I'm already in love with someone else anyway." A bold-faced lie. "I thought you knew that. And you never told me you were gay."

And he ran.

I didn't think much about it then. But when he didn't show up at practice that day, I was a bit worried. Everyone pretty much panicked. Atobe started a search party; he was worried too.

I ran.

I ran past the bathrooms, past the classrooms, and on to the roof. I remember him telling me he liked staying on the roof and watch the cloud float by and how it helped him to meditate.

And there he was; on the ground, laying down and looking at the clouds.

Except when I got closer...there was blood all over him, soaking his front, splattered on his face and pooling on the floor.

I screamed.

Everything that happened next was a blur to me. People coming in, medics rushing. Yuushi was guiding me back to somewhere, but I couldn't move. Kabaji had to carry me. I was crying and crying and screams and gasps were all over and I couldn't stop crying because I knew.

I killed him.

Because of that silly little rejection. I killed Hiyoshi.

I remember I kept on screaming it. _I'm a murderer, I killed him, __I__ should die._

Shishido slapped me hard when we reached the clubhouse. I lay pathetically on the floor, still unable to stop my tears.

He tried to talk some sense into me, throwing insults and expecting me to throw one back at him or punch him. I couldn't, Hiyoshi's image was stuck to my brain; it wouldn't go away.

Ohtori was crying, too. He pushed Shishido away, shouting. And then he hugged me, telling me to let out everything.

I've never been so comforted then.

Through my sobs, I could see everyone else was crying too. Atobe and Yuushi were trying to hide it. Jirou was trying to hug Shishido and stop his own tears.

Everyone was a mess.

* * *

My life turned out to be better.

After getting past that initial gref, I let myself learn from my mistakes. Never would I take a love confession as a joke,

never would I hand out harsh rejections, never would I let it happen again.

I always visit Hiyoshi's grave. Everyday. I just stand there, talk to him, and wonder if he's listening to me, wonder if he's accepting me here.

And when the wind blows smoothly, and the leaves rustle, and the sky turns even bluer, I know.

He's not rejecting me.

* * *

**_END A.N.G.S.T._**


	7. 7 Letter

**Disclaimer: **Same as previous ones. -is lazy today-

* * *

**Letter  
**_10. Messenger  
_You know that thing called replacement?

_Hiyo-chan,_

_That might be the last time I'll call you that, huh? Because to put it bluntly, I don't think we're working out. I don't think I liked you in the first place. You know that thing called replacement? That was you. __The rebound guy._

_I know, truth hurts doesn't it?__ I thought straight-forward was the way to go. Straight-forward was how we always worked, right? I like you; you like me; let's go screw. _

_'__Cept__ it wasn't so real. Wasn't I the rebound guy for you, too? Wasn't I the guy you used to make __Ohtori__ jealous? Well, that plan didn't work, did it? The kid's still hung up on __Shishido__ and there's nothing we can do about that._

_And it was then, you started treating me differently. I wasn't just a guy anymore. I was __Gakuto__; your __senpai__, your lover. Too bad I always knew you didn't love me in the first place, huh? I'm still in love with __Yuushi__Hiyo__. And I know you wouldn't believe me, but I'm sorry about that. Sorry that you were just my rebound guy; sorry that you're starting to love me; sorry we used each other and got hurt in the end._

_I still care for you, though. It's not love, but __it's__ friendship. Maybe even best of friendship, if there is such a thing. _

_Kisses,  
__Gakkun_


End file.
